Perceiving My Way out of the Strategic World
I always knew that there were things that slowed me down, and although I got fragments of where it came from, there was a lot missing. An insight in bigger pieces of the puzzle, opening up my memory.
Photo: a typical Dutch bicycle road on my way to work
Traveling to work on a bicycle, I’ve done it throughout my life. It’s very common in Holland, a country full of bicycle roads, and where cyclists are protected. With my last corporate job in Holland, I bought a electric bicycle, with a motor that supports up to 32 km p/hour. Often, I’d leave my car at home, and went on my bike, a completely different experience. By car, I remember to be more focused, like driving toward something. While on my bike, I had a 360 overview, exactly how I like it.
Back in 2020, when covid hit, everyone stayed inside and I had the road for myself. Everything seemed to slow down, become more calm, and the sounds of the birds came loud and clear above the highway noise. Each morning was more fun than the former one, my awareness opening up to the nature around me. All sense of time dissolved, and with that the schedule of the day, the week, the month, and everything connected to that. Like a blank canvas, that’s how my days went. Always wondering what my colleagues, our clients, and the atmosphere would bring, even though I had experienced this over and over again, for three years. Looking at everything and everyone through a fresh pair of eyes, perceiving the present moment.
There is one typical bicycle road that I remember clearly, a small road between two ditches. Riding on this road with two people next together each other was possible, adding a third was risky. Suddenly steering to the left or right, unexpected movements and surprises would mean ending in the water. Caution and alertness was needed. During the morning, most of the year before sunrise, there were men and women walking with their dogs. A lot of them looked like they just came out of bed, barely able to keep their eyes open. Despite that, staring at a phone screen was more than common, while walking on a narrow bicycle road, without daylight.
There I was, passing them by at 30 km p/hour. One single movement would scare the shit out of them or bring them into a state of instant shock. Yet, somehow it always went well.
Observing this phenomenon while cycling, it was clear what caused this. The more I looked at it, the more I started noticing the behavior of their dogs. Just a few seconds before I was passing by, the dog would make a sudden movement. Like pausing and sniffing on grass, crossing over from front to back or left to right, or even taking the time to pee. The moment that the dogs owner stopped to look up, I came across at high speed (relative to them walking slowly or standing still). A tiny bit of influence was enough to draw their attention. And their dogs were fully aware of this and how to guide their owners through moments like these.
Photo: Unsplash
I was stunned by what I saw, and at the same time it was obvious. Dogs are amazing with perceiving energy and responding accordingly. Just look at a dogs behavior and you see a representation of its owner. By that I mean the energy that the owner expresses, whether it’s joyful or sad, outgoing or drawn inward, calm or aggressive. Besides that, I’ve had moments that a dog drew my attention, and seconds or minutes later something took place that could have hurt or injured me. Like they’re warning me of something, a little nudge to stay alert. When I was young, my parents tent to tease me when there were dogs around. Especially my mother thought it was fun to mention that the dogs would bite me, suggesting that I should hide or run away.
Often it happened that a dog responded to my fear, which was not mine but the link to my parents teasing, something that I wasn’t aware of at those times. Mostly though, dogs came close to me, answering to my calmness and peacefulness. It happened a couple of times that a dog owner stopped, and mentioned that the dog normally behaves aggressively toward someone, as a protector for its owner. They were surprised that their dogs came close to me, looking for contact. It still happens a lot, like right now with Berto, the dog I wrote about in my last blog. They’re always telling me something, either what I need, or linked to their owners needs and state of being.
Learning About the Language of My Body
The same happens with children, once they know that I’m safe, they come closer. Out of curiosity, playfulness, or even worry, they start to connect. Contact comes through words, a game, creativity, or others forms of expression. I don’t have to do anything special, besides being there and being present. What the moment invites me into, I respond to. Last Monday, I received a drawing as a gift, from a young boy that used to be hesitant to talking with me. This was his way of expressing himself. A day earlier, one of the children gave me a shell, that he had found at the beach with his father. Thanking him for this gift was the first time I talked with him.
Back in July, there was a mother of a 8 year old girl staying at the house. The last days before they left, there were a couple of amazing experiences after each other. On a Sunday, when I returned from harvesting wild plants, she helped me with cooking. She asked if it was okay to share something with me. Without expectation, I said “yes”, remaining silent for the ten minutes that followed afterward. This is what she said: “When you have two things, and you can only pick one, ask your heart. Your heart only speaks to you, and to no one else. Your heart is always right, you can trust what it tells you.” I was just there, witnessing what happened and perceiving how the energy comes through.
An old friend of mine often came to me, talking about his ADHD issues. His parents had him tested, they couldn’t handle him and his expressive energy, ADHD medicine seemed the only solution for them. Resulting in him walking around like a zombie. One day, when he was at my place, I noticed his presence, fully centered in the moment. No urge for impulses, addictions, or distractions. I asked him of he had taken his medicine for the day, his answer was “no”. This became a recurring pattern. Everywhere he went, he took his medicine, except when he was at my place. He didn’t need it.
The last period before we separated, his mother suffered from lung cancer. On a Tuesday night, I was watching the closing minutes of a football match, while enjoying my dinner. Around 22:45, I experienced extreme cramps around my belly button. Never I had felt anything that extreme. About 15 minutes later, it was gone, with only some lasting aches for the next hours. The next day, I checked my messages. His mother had died. The following Saturday, I asked him what day and time she passed away. Tuesday evening, around 22:45. My mind couldn’t explain the experience when it occurred, my body already knew. A couple of months before that, we connected again, after not having seen each other for years. There was little time necessary to catch up, the energetic expression did the talking.
Last week Thursday, one of the men at my house came toward me, just before I left for sleep. The days before there was a lot of fun, music, dance, and interaction. After playing football at the local stadium, I had a sensation of a cold tension, that caused me to retreat a bit from the late evening fun. There was a slight annoyance creeping up, that I couldn’t address clearly. I packed my stuff and went off. Almost immediately afterward, the guy approached me, blasting with energy. Offering his help and suggestions for a healthy tapas event I hosted the next day. Whatever I tried, nothing seemed to get through him. Walking away was to only solution.
On Friday afternoon, while pre-cutting ingredients for the evening event, he came outside on the terrace. Coughing and sneezing minutes after each other, a uncontrollable cold had caught him, and his energy was close to zero. My mind couldn’t make sense of what happened during the evening, my body already perceived what I saw the next afternoon. A few hours later, he was helping me with preparing, following my instructions and adding his value through asking for feedback. The event went better than I expected, with wonderful people that shared their experiences and their presence. One day later, the man that came up with the idea to organize this together asked out of curiosity what the total costs were for the ingredients used. Only 16 or 17 euros, no plan or strategy upfront, using the available ingredients and tools to the fullest. Again, something I wouldn’t have thought to be possible upfront, surrendering to the experience instead.
A few weeks before, during a co-writing session, I was struck by heavy-heartedness. Out of nowhere it popped up and it didn’t make sense at all. After checking in with myself, I looked at the sessions chat for updates. A woman within the community just joined the session, exactly at the time that the sadness popped up. The moment I noticed this, it was gone, knowing that it wasn’t mine. The week before that, I shared about taking my time to go within and scan my body and energy field, in connection with my direct environment. I’ve been doing this for about two months now, it helps me to see what is coming from within me or from outside of me. Just a few minutes, a couple of times a day is enough to keep my body and mind clear.
Taking the Lead Intuitively in a Strategic World
Every former job I’ve had started in a way that had a lot of similarities. A highly strategic work environment, with everyone working from a pre-conceived hierarchy, following protocols and workflows that were common for years. Me trying to follow the same ways at the beginning, not knowing any better. The ‘beginning’ mostly took 2 or 3 days, when the first cracks would become visible. At all times, it just felt off and way too complicated. Instinctively I stopped doing the things that didn’t work, and started finding my own way. The jobs I’ve had all required focus, planning, organization, and a strategy. Most of the times, this was already laid out, I just had to follow. Although it wasn’t my style, I could keep up with it. After a month or 3, burn-out symptoms would come to the surface. During meetings there was a lot of emphasis on these strategic topics, with meetings taking hours.
I remember at my first job having a meeting with a project manager, named Huib. He had a hearing impairment, with hear loss up to 70% on both his ears. His hearing device was connected to his Nokia phone. When he walked down the stairs, with his very energetic walking style and a whole group of others following him, all of a sudden he would freeze in the middle of the stairway. Leaving his colleagues and visitors in total shock. His phone rang, sending a message to his hearing device, causing him to pick up by pushing a button on his hearing device.
A similar pattern was when he entered my office. I was sitting with my back toward the entrance, and couldn’t see him coming. He would walk in, slap me on the shoulders as a form of greeting, and start to walk back and forth while addressing his focus points for the project. These moments were very chaotic and stressful, leaving me with a sense of overwhelm afterward. During our first official meeting, the head of the Financial Department was there as well, to take the lead. While both were discussing, I noticed Huib’s body posture, calm and relaxed in a seated position.
The next day, I heard him coming in, with the sounds of his footsteps. Immediately, he told me he had only 30 minutes, a common comment he made. The first thing I asked him, was to take a seat, and if he would like some coffee or tea. I followed up by asking about his weekend. He shared stories for about 30 minutes, with me pointing him to his next meeting. The urgent thing he wanted to share with me took 30 seconds, and he went off. Colleagues of mine had the biggest issues with him, they couldn’t handle his outgoing and raw expression. With me, he just took a seat, and utilized the time to share about his weekend adventures, the things that made him feel alive. The chaos, stress, and overwhelm that were there the first weeks never came back again.
Photo: Unsplash
The moments that I took control of my workflow, and started to take the lead in this way, the whole atmosphere changed. There was no more strategic stuff, planning, or organizing. Bringing people together, highlighting their unique traits and qualities, and answering to what was needed in the moment was enough. At the last company in The Netherlands that I worked for, this transformed the culture from “being not so important” to “being a vital and invaluable part of our industry”. When I walked into the company, the atmosphere was very negative, especially on the Dutch market team, that I was a part of. My colleagues felt unseen by the company management team, and that their efforts weren’t valued or recognized. There always seemed to be a reason to complain, a trait that sounded foreign to me. I listened to the stories, while noticing the hidden potential underneath the surface level.
One example I remember vividly, about getting technicians to stay in hotels overnight. Talking about this would cause a volcano outburst, that’s how much tension it brought up. The ‘protocol’ was to pick the cheapest rooms at ‘approved hotels’ to lower costs, accompanied with a small lunch & dinner budget to get your own food. The quality of the hotels offering these rooms was way too low and the restaurants had raised their prices significantly since this ‘protocol’ was introduced. When technicians broke the rules or simply declined to go, they received a reprimand.
Here I was, with planning as one of my responsibilities, standing in between my team and the company management. One day I walked into the Director’s office to come to a solution, and 5 minutes later the problem was solved. My sales accountant colleague fell from his chair, stating that he had tried to come to a solution for 3 years, only resulting in fights with the company director. He asked how I had pulled this off. I answered that I simply asked the director how he would solve this situation if he were in my shoes. By shaping the whole picture, traveling back and forth from work location versus staying overnight in a hotel. His conclusion was that booking a more comfortable hotel and raising the lunch & dinner budget was still more valuable than driving up and down from home. Exactly what every team member agreed on and had wished for all these years.
There’s only a fight when you assume this upfront, stating the facts only keeps emotions away from the decision making. Leaving outside stress and pressure aside gave me the ability to perceive what was necessary in that moment, the way to come to this solution would have never come up if I had thought about it upfront.
Photo: overview of Salobreña, captured in one shot
Waking Up to the Stress Around Me
Since my last corporate job ended in March, I’m perceiving more clearly what happens within me and around me. The period since then has been tumultuous, that’s an understatement.
Since April, I’ve had a one week masterclass for living in a campervan, a one week masterclass for running a eco garden with a eco pool that’s filtered by natural materials only, I’ve lived in a house that looked more like a art studio, and since Mid-June I’m living at a co-living house. All of these I’ve had visualizations of or people telling me that one way or another this would happen for me. I’ll probably write more about this at another time.
Despite the highly stressful period, overall I remained peaceful. And with that I mean reaching deeper levels of inner peace and calmness than I’ve had before. Something similar happened when I was homeless and living at a beach early 2022 and in solitude on the mountains of Sierra Nevada, Spain in summer 2022. Also subjects that are on my writing list.
What I came to realize over the last 6 months, is that the stress I experienced wasn’t mine. The eco garden and eco pool experience was a work-away exchange. I could stay in a horsetruck that was transformed into a campervan for a week, in exchange for helping with the garden. I loved the experience, the garden, and all the incredible animals, birds, and other natural creatures around me. The owners had a couple coming over in their luxurious villa the next week, and needed to have the garden fully clean and prepared. The last day, we were late with starting. I took my time to do a short yoga prep, it gives me wings when I’m fully present in my body. The woman freaked out about this, because of the running out of time, which made sense to me. Despite that, I was able to keep my calmness, and a steady pace throughout the day, thanks to the yoga prep. At the end of the day, all was finished and ready to receive the guests.
A few weeks later, I remembered that the moment I left the place my stress was gone, almost instantly. The same notion came back over and over again, and I started to see this during daily experiences. Others around me expressed that they were stressed (that includes being tired, running out of time, complaining about hot temperatures, you name it). My response to that often was “Oh, I’m not, actually I’m going for a dive in the ocean, you can join if you want to!” Minutes before situations like this I would feel tension/ stress building up inside of me, not knowing where it came from. During the interactions with others I knew straight away and with that the tension/ stress was gone. It wasn’t my stress that I was perceiving, it was the stress of the world and people around me. Not only their physical appearance, also their state of mind, their emotions, the whole package.
The woman that made her campervan available to me back in April told me once to not take things personally, this underlines the new perspective that I’ve got right now. There are numerous situations that I’ve felt stressed, burned out or very tense, not really knowing how to address it and where it came from. Now I’m able to make a distinction what is mine and what is not. And only deal with my part.
Photo: gorgeous landscape from La Herradura beach
Deciding to Let Go and Let True Nature Come Through
Last weekend, I overheard a conversation, where someone mentioned his need for anti-depressants to deal with chronic depression. And smoking weed to deal with the side effects of the anti-depressants. A bit later, he mentioned to be highly sensitive. I’ve experienced long periods of depression (and numbing out from that in all kinds of ways) and recognizing myself as being a HSP. Although I felt a strong resonance with HSP at first, it faded away over time. Something felt off and I took distance from this idea. What came through for me with my realizations over the last months, is that my depression wasn’t mine. I learned this through peeling back layers and layers of past experiences, and stopping to identify myself with people, places, and circumstances connected with these experiences.
Over the last week it came to my awareness that I’ve felt the emotions and feelings of others around me very strongly throughout my life. And that I was aware of their energy, absorbing every single bit of it. A lot of times when people tell me their stories, I’m already aware of the energy. At the same time, that the story they’re telling me isn’t what represents their true nature. Before I would feel responsible and wanting to help them. Now I know that it’s not my energy, and to go even further, that it’s probably not even theirs. They’re simply carriers of this energy, until they decide that it’s time to let go.
Throughout my life I was able to connect with others from the first moment, even with strangers that I met the first time. Coming from a state of perceiving instead of trying to understand someone opens the door to share with each other. It’s incredible to interact with other men and women, boys and girls, and the richness that they express.
At the same time, it’s hard to put someone else into words. No matter from how many angles and in how many ways you try to describe someone, it doesn’t cover the whole story. Let alone to stand in their shoes in know what it is to be them. Perceiving them doesn’t need words, it’s free from all pre-conditions. The energy speaks for itself, with that I mean the energy that represents someone’s true nature. It always shines through, even when they’re at their lowest point.
I’ve experienced this myself over and over again, that even without a home, money, or friends and relatives around, life is full of abundance. This is what interaction means for me, to get a glimpse of that true nature, no matter the circumstances.
A lot of times people tell me that they ‘forgot’ something, it’s what I used to believe as well for myself. Nowadays I know that it’s stress in all kinds of forms from the outside that blocks the memory from coming through. Observing the stress through perceiving it as it is releases the heavy load, and memory comes through again. With that I mean the subconscious memory, natural traits and gifts that were lost and hidden for such a long time. It all comes back again, and more alive than ever.
Long story short:
Without being fully aware of it, you absorb a lot of energy of others and things outside of you. Seeing this as ‘normal’ can lead to identifying with the stress and overwhelm. While in many cases, it probably isn’t yours in the first place. Imagine being depressed or burned out for a long period of time, without really knowing where it came from. What happens when you separate this from your own being?
When stress/ fear/ worry/ overwhelm/ confusion comes up, ask yourself where does it come from? What are the reasons for running out of time or other resources? Does it come from within you, or because you’re trying to fit into a system? Is it natural and easy to process, or is it coming back over and over again, no matter what you do?
Taking the time for yourself to observe and go within, or to witness something or someone outside of you, helps you to stay neutral. It’s a way of perceiving that goes deeper than trying to find words, understanding, or explanation. You’re able to go to the roots or source straight away, skipping all the unnecessary steps in between. Once you are aware of the cause, it’s easy to let go. The release happens in an instant.
You can use electric energy as a metaphor for stress. Electricity has a positive and negative side, a plus and a minus. So does stress, it thrives on ‘positives’ and ‘negatives’. When a electricity circuit is overloaded in your house, the fuse box collapses. So does your body when you’re dealing with high levels of stress (too many positives or negatives). Electricity needs pathways, circuits, and loops to go from one place to another. Managing stress in the modern world asks for schedules, planning, strategy, structure, step by step protocols and organization. Even when this is good on the surface level, it still keeps you in a loop. Once you’re in it, it’s hard to get out. Although this is a very simplified sketch of something much more complex, it gives you a picture.
You memories are instinctive and intuitive, always available to you. Any form of stress overload blocks the way for your natural memory to come through. School tells you to repeat something over and over again, in order to not forget (which is a form of stress!). While wisdom comes through actually doing something and learning from the experience. Simply look at a child learning how to walk. It’s a natural ability, and like many of these, you tend to forget about them when you grow up. Unlearning what you’ve been taught is a first step to remembering and re-learning your natural abilities. Big bonus: natural gifts cost you zero effort!
Coming from a state of perceiving opens up your memory. Noticing what stressors aren’t yours helps to release blocks faster. Instead of stating that you forgot something, look at it as the experience helping you to remember. Look at what you’re relying on from outside of yourself, and ask how you can do this yourself? A simple example would be going to a doctor, how can you apply natural medicine for yourself, a natural trait that lives within you?
Learning who I am and what I’m capable of is a lifelong study that fascinates me. Every day is a new experience in my school of life, exploring my inner and outer boundaries. Coming from a blank canvas, without a plan or structure upfront, increases auto-didactic learning. And I love to help you remember what comes natural to you, as well as help you to release what’s not yours to carry.