How Would it Look Like if I Love Myself?
What my life looked like before I asked myself this question, how it became clear to me, and the journey in between. A deeply profound personal discovery.
Hi, and welcome to my Substack page. My name is Wilco, Substack is a space for me to share my life experiences. Offering practical solutions to overcome challenges in life. This is a series about learning through pain or through love. Choosing the hard way or the loving way. And what makes the difference between the two? During my life, I have experienced both, and this is a third reflection of my experiences.
At the end of this post, you can find the links to my first and second reflection.
Learning from my experiences with pain, and finding the path to Love (III)
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It’s Friday afternoon somewhere around June 2020, and I’ve just come home from work. My plan is to go to fitness, something that I’ve been able to do for over 18 months, a personal record. Normally I would do this for a few weeks or months tops and then quit. Covid gave me so much time though, that it brought a lot of joy and energy to go. With my fitness clothes in my hands, I’m ready to leave. When I sit down to change them, the clothes drop out of my hands, time for a break.
A rush of thoughts and memories start coming through, I’ve had a lot of these lately. This time it’s about my early school years, at pre-school. First, it hits me that the moment I left this school for the next, I left everything and everyone behind with that. The same with any other school that followed, with jobs, and former friends. Once it’s over, it’s done, how come?
What’s it like to look up to someone else?
The next thing that comes through, is that I used to look up to others in the classroom. Peers that appeared stronger, smarter, or had something else they stood out with. Their presence caught my minds attention, either positively or negatively. All the girls and (especially) boys that fit into this framework passed my memory, as if I was re-watching a movie. No, no meditation here, eyes wide open. From there, it switched to older guys that lived in the same neighborhoods, former colleagues, and adult men from football (either coaches or men that I played with in the same teams). Most of them had a very masculine appearance, some of them in a scary and authoritarian way. Their behavior was often threatening, always aimed to oppose fear to those around them.
For a long time I pictured this to be normal, that looking up to others was natural. As well as that overly masculine guys and men had all the attention. What never crossed my mind though, is the possibility that others were looking up to me. It made me curious, how would that be for someone else? Since there were also people that I looked up to out of admiration, they inspired me. How would it look like if I had triggered something similar among my peers? I didn’t think about this before, and it left me silent.
Rapidly after that, thoughts came through about girls in the classroom, and my connection to them. Having conversations and interactions with them was okay for me. There weren’t many girls that I found interesting in terms of having a relation with, mostly due to religious background. The idea alone to stay bound to religion in any way was frightening, no chance I would let that happen. Something that was clear to me from a young age.
Similar as the possibility of other guys and men looking up to me, questions like this with girls came to the surface. How would it be if there were girls at school that were in love with me (without me knowing this)? Since I wasn’t really open to this at that time, it simply wasn’t a topic of interest. Followed up by the question “How would it look like to fall in love with me?”. This instantly changed into “How would it look like to fall in love with myself?”. Eventually it became “How would it look like if I love myself?”. With a daily journal practice already ongoing, I wrote down the question, and moved on with my day. About 45 minutes had passed, while it seemed only 5 minutes, fitness wasn’t going to be it. A walk in nature it became in place of that, to process the revelations coming through.
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Exploring What Loving Myself Means to Me
No one ever taught me this, and no one’s probably going to teach me, time to find out for myself. Within family there was a great disconnection from the inner self, living from the mind was the benchmark. Either rushing through life, numbing out to prevent this from happening, or a switching between the two. Plenty of wake up calls throughout the years, yet never enough to make radical changes. Thank God this wasn’t the case for me. Curiosity in the lead and a deep urge to not fall into the same traps pushed me away from this. And toward a higher path to follow.
Just before that, I had started deliberately choosing for myself first. Earlier in my life, I explored this without even noticing, in a instinctive way, doing what naturally attracts me (note: that awareness came about a year later). Looking for healthy options with food, increasing this over and over again. Going for walks and walking meetings during lunch time. Stepping away from the daily stress at the office and observing colleagues instead of engaging with their drama. Organizing a solo stadium tour, visiting football matches abroad, as well as attending seminars that had my interest. A couple of months before covid hit, I got the hang of it. The feeling I got was liberating, in ways that I couldn’t describe until then. Like being lifted up from the heavy load around me, and letting it all pass by. No longer interesting to paying attention to it, life was calling me. And I answered, without looking back.
In March that year, I got a hint from my best friend at that time, about a online course in Abundance. Same with self love, I had never heard about anything like this. The content was easy to follow in terms of applying it straight away, despite not having a clear understanding of what it all meant. Mostly through writing down old false beliefs and patterns and replacing them with new ones. The whole world opened up for me. In between, I got insights about how time goes in cycles, the links to patterns within my family and old life became visible. A friendly introduction to healing from PTSD and generational trauma came to me on a silver platter. Where my friend wasn’t that interested in the topic, and chose to figure things out by himself, we grew apart slowly. The relationship ended about one year after he introduced me to the course.
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My Higher Self Guiding me in the Right Direction
Fast forward to Christmas 2020. It’s Christmas Eve, and I’m listening to a recording of a guided meditation. It’s from a woman who teaches about embodiment, body language, and following the signs that the body gives (note: all I remember now is that she lived in Canada). Some radical changes have taken place in a short amount of time. I stopped with football coaching in a team environment, something I had done for over 16 years. Where in my old life over 90% of the people I interacted with were men, now I had found myself in online sessions with only women. At first I didn’t really notice, until the woman from the guided meditation pointed this out to me during a online session.
During the meditation, there was a prompt to follow: “If there’s one thing you could say to yourself, what would that be?” (something in that order). Pick the first thing that comes through and go with this was the message. Instantly this is what came through: “It’s okay, I’m here now”. That’s all that I needed, even though I didn’t have words at that time what this meant for me.
I had taken a bath and afterward I went for a long walk, to enjoy to night sky. At first I’m listening to a podcast, but I got interrupted by sounds of animals around me. I take my earphones out, and notice the street that I’m passing by. It’s the street where one of my best friends used to live for years. Before he lived in another street, and I would visit him every week. This house I’ve never been though, which is curious to me (a period of 5 years that we didn’t see or speak with each other). How come? I noticed that each time he would contact me there was something wrong and he needed help. Otherwise there was no contact. The same with friends that I had besides him. Energetically, this stopped that night. Again, no words, but a clear sensation creeping up my spine. My Higher Self had taken over, surrendering to the journey was enough.
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Finding the Love for Myself in Nature
Two days after Christmas, I find myself stranded. Thoughts keep rushing through, and I need a break. Instinctively I know where to look, and book two short trips to be with myself in nature. Spending time with myself at New Year’s Eve, sounds of birds and wind rushing through the trees over fireworks. I’m in, let’s go. After the booking, I walk up to my room, where I had taken the photo book my parents build from when I was young. My mind is calm, the rushing is over. I open the photo book and look at the pictures, especially the ones where it’s only me.
Time stops at that moment, what I thought to be true is false.
I used to look at myself as someone who was shy, unhappy, with lack of energy and joy. What I see is the complete opposite. I’m the happiest child in the world, and nothing or no one comes between that. Whispers in my ear repeat themselves: “It’s okay, I’m here now”.
The picture I had of myself for over 25 years dissolved completely.
It only took 2 minutes.
December 30th 2020, I arrive at the first hotel, completely surrounded by nature. Not a single noise to hear in the area, only the breeze through the wind and birds sharing there music. I fall asleep like a rose, with a plan in mind. Next morning I pack my back to start walking. Boots on, winter jacket on, beanie on my head. While in my car, I navigate to a place close by. Intuitively picked this spot, no idea why. After the first 30 minutes of forest, with only trees around me, I come at a open spot.
Complete silence for at least 15 minutes. No people, no cars, no birds, no wind. This is what inner peace feels like, the first time I experience this in such a profound way. It becomes a anchor point in my subconscious, a part of my being, never to leave again. Time stops again for a moment. Whispers in my ear repeat themselves: “It’s okay, I’m here now”.
Back at the hotel I enjoy dinner in silence. When I lie down in bed later that evening, the thoughts from June pop up again. “How would it look like if I love myself?” This time the question answers itself: “I love myself already, and this is how it feels like”. Bliss fills my heart and stays with me for the rest of the night. Joy, gratitude, unconditional love, it’s all a part of my nature. Another anchor point in my subconscious, a part of my being, never to leave again.
Key Takeaways for You to Keep in Mind
Where have you looked up to others? What felt threatening about them? Or what did you admire them for? What do or can others admire about yourself?
Old beliefs and thought patterns stay with you until you clear them out of your system. Slowing down helps you to become aware and process all of this. Nature, creativity, walking, solitude, and healthy foods are examples that get you started.
Behind the critical voice in your mind you find your Higher Self. Your Higher Self is always there, always loving, and always guiding you in the right direction. Observing your own thoughts and behavior brings clarity in what’s the difference between the two. From there you can clear out the clutter for your Higher Self to become your strongest voice.
You always have the amount of clarity that you need and that you’re able to handle. If something is a question mark for you, asking the question is all that you need to get to the next step. Instead of trying to figure out the answer by thinking it through, clear out what’s blocking you.
It can take a lifetime to find self-love, it can also take 5 minutes. Dare to ask the question, to open up the door, and to step through it. Answers often simply come in ways you don’t have words for yet. It’s part of surrendering to the journey that plays out in front of you. Time and your conscious mind will catch up later.
What does self-love look like for your, how do you experience this? Leave a comment below.
This is the end of part III of this series about learning from pain and finding the path of love. There are more to follow. Thank you for reading, I´m grateful to have you here.
Photo: unsplash.com
This is the link to the first part of this series
This is the link to the second part of this series
